“Moderates.” They’re some of the most annoying people to have to argue with.

They claim to have an open mind about everything, which is why they became “moderate” and “independent” of political bias, and then trash you because YOU don’t have an open mind.

Wouldn’t a truly open-minded person say “Hey, you could be right!” no matter what you argued?

But moderates don’t do that, do they?

True moderates would resemble Agnostics sooner than they would resemble the hippie, moral-Coffee-drinking, Academic mammajammas they actually are.

You see, Agnostics say “Hey, I don’t know if there is or isn’t a God. I’m completely in the middle.” Atheists are on one side, and theists are on the other. Simple, yes?

That’s not how American politics are. Not anymore.

So when you’re calling yoruself “moderate,” all you’re doing is exposing how big of an idiot you are.

I’ve been putting “moderates” in quotes, because I’m referring to the special brand of people who refer to themselves as “moderate.” They couldn’t be more wrong.

In reality, today’s moderates are dirty stinking liberals.

Let me explain.

How America Became Full of Wussbags
Despite the presence of a two-party system in the United States, Democrats vs. Republicans, and Liberals vs. Conservatives, that’s not actually how things are. Maybe that’s the way things USED to be, say in the roaring 20’s.

That was before the New Deal changed everything.

The New Deal transformed economics in America. We were in a Great Depression, hungry for any type of leadership after Herbert Hoover, a Republican, couldn’t do anything to help things.

So along came a change of pace – a liberal Democrat named F.D.R., who changed the landscape of American politics forever.

By the time of the election of F.D.R., the cries for bread had become cries for jobs. Luckily, everyone had elected a liberal wussbag.

So they got jobs in the form of new government programs designed to basically let citizens pick their nose all day for a government check.

They got their bread.

They even got social security, and eventually would get Healthcare, Welfare, and Food Stamps – Oh my!

Over time, we have come to expect that today’s government will owes us what they weren’t providing us until the New Deal.

So, before F.D.R, things might have resembled this:

-Liberal (Democrats)
-Moderates (Independents)
-Conservatives (Conservatives)

But that model of American politics is obsolete, and has been for about 60 years.

Conservatism in this country today is a wussy, Diet Rite form of Conservatism, a post-New Deal conservatism that has to deal with the unending whining of spoiled Americans who EXPECT New Deal-like assistance.

You see, Americans take so many government programs and considerations for granted, that what actually feels “moderate” now has become reasonably liberal.

“New Deal” Conservatives

For example, look at President Bush’s claim to be a “compassionate Conservative.” That was a lie. Just look at this and tell me that George W. Bush is a conservative. He’s not. He’s a “New Deal Conservative,” or, really, a moderate-liberal. A real conservative wouldn’t dream of spending so much money, unless it was on aircraft carriers.

So instead of this system:

-Liberal
-Moderates
-Conservatives

we can break it up into ninths.

1. Crazy liberals (Democrats)
2. Liberals
3. Liberals who claim they’re moderate (high percentage of idiots/independents)
4. Moderate-liberals
5. Moderates (Republicans)
6. Moderate-conservatives
7. Conservatives
8. Conservatives
9. Crazy conservatives

After the New Deal, Republicans were essentially knocked from 7 or 8 up to 5. Independents moved from 5 to 3.

Calvin Coolidge and Ronald Reagan are probably the two most recent Presidents who are anything above a “5,” and I say that with uncertainty about Reagan, because he was a post-FDR Republican. Coolidge, yes.

What To Do?
So “moderates,” stop acting self-righteous and saying you have an open mind. An open-mind to what? To finding the right answer, and then closing your mind? You’re just liberals with even emptier responses.

As Aristotle would say, it’s okay and even healthy to avoid the extreme of either side, but don’t pretend you’re doing that when you split yourself between Republicans and Democrats. You have to moderate your perspective measuring an entire philosophy, not on what two political parties portray is the whole range of American philosophy.

Again, as Aristotle said, be moderate, but be a moderate who leans toward the healthier philosophy. I consider conservatism the healthier system (you may disagree, but dno’t go below stage 4), so I try to lean that way. Be like category 6*. If you’re going to be a liberal, be a George W. Bush-brand liberal. But stop saying you’re moderate, unless you’re a registered Republican. Even then, I’m not so sure you’re not a liberal.

*NOTE: Being in category 6 will make you a racist, evil, bigoted, and sexist by post-FDR liberal standards. Be prepared for battle.