I’m not thirty-five yet, but I am a natural-born U.S. citizen, which means that it’s possible for me to be elected President one day. I would never stand up to vetting because 1. I have this site which includes me alienating most teachers and saying I would cut Social Security and Medicare if I got the chance and 2. I would never be able to answer questions with the right amount of political correctness.

For example, here is how I see an interview possibly happening.

Question: Governor Kenitz, it’s been said that you wrote on your blog once that you would cut Social Security and Medicare totally. What is your current position on these two issues?

Answer: Yeah, I’ll cut them. We won’t leave anyone hanging who currently relies on these programs, but no one new will get to take advantage of them.

Question: Does that mean people who have counted on Social Security for their retirement will now not have it there?

Answer: Yup. They’re outta luck. They should have planned better, and should know better than to rely on government for their living.

Question: Sheesh! You are brutal.

Answer: If by “brutal” you mean I think “people should be responsible for their own income,” then yes, I’m brutal.

Question: Now to public education. You’ve said that public education makes kids lazy, fat, and stupid. Can you clarify those comments?

Answer: What’s so unclear about lazy, fat, and stupid?

Question: In what way does public education hurt kids?

Answer: The same way government hurts virtually everything it touches: by taking out natural market forces and competition that makes individual schools and teachers accountable for actually providing value to civilization; not just molesting kids and being a babysitting service.

Question: Did you say that all public schools molest children?

Answer: No. But in 1991, it was reported that 82.2 percent of females who graduated from high school were sexually harassed at some point. (link)

Question: So what do we do about this problem?

Answer: Cut the Department of Education and get government out of it. We’re exploring the option of giving families money to spend on these private schools as they please, but even that seems kind of commie.

Question: What about health care? Would you cut medicaid and other health care programs?

Answer: Yep.

Question: Won’t that create a health crisis?

Answer: Maybe.

Question: So how can you support cutting these programs if it might create a health crisis?

Answer: I’m running for President, not Chief Health Care Executive. It’s not the government’s responsibility to improve or protect health care. There’s no government involved in giving you free “food care,” yet there’s no food crisis in America. In fact, America is one of the fattest countries around.

Producer working in background: This guy is a gold mine!

Question: Uh…moving on, then. You recently committed what many people are calling a “gaffe” when you visited a pre-school and said to an aid “look at all the little monsters.” Many have remarked that you are avidly Pro-life, yet you seem to hate kids. How do you respond to that?

Answer: I wouldn’t say that I hate little kids, just that I’m strongly annoyed by them. And that doesn’t mean we should kill them before they’re born. I’m annoyed by you, but I don’t think you should be killed.

Question: Let’s move to foreign policy.

Answer: I have zero experience with foreign policy. I’m from Wisconsin.

Question: Are you saying you’re unqualified to be commander-in-chief?

Answer: Well, I’m more qualified than your average Joe, but I have zero military experience. That doesn’t mean I’ll be a bad one, necessarily. My foreign policy is to be as peaceful as possible, while building sweet lasers, huge bombs, missile defense, noisy boats, train tough people, and dominate space to support the continued sovereignty of the United States.

Question: That brings me to another point. You recently said that you would quintuple the budget for the National Aeronautics and Space Administration. Yet you have advocated against spending on government programs. Care to explain?

Answer: I’m for government spending if it’s for security – for example, missile defense is a great way for government to spend the money it makes. I’d give at least that much to NASA, and possibly more – all under supervision to make sure none of it’s wasted, though I’m sure just by the nature of it a lot of it will be wasted. But it’s important to fund NASA way beyond our current ideas because we want to get to Mars first, we want the first fleet in space, and we want to ensure the continued existence of the American people, even if huge meteors are heading towards Earth. Spending towards our security is perfectly consistent with what I’ve been saying.

Question: Quintupling NASA’s budget would put it at about a hundred billion dollars a year.

Answer: Is that all? Maybe they need more.

Question: If you’re going to lower taxes to a flat tax rate of 17% and increase veteran’s benefits, where would you get that money?

Answer: Cutting social security, medicare/medicaid, and other entitlements gives us more than enough to have a balanced budget and even a surplus.

Well, I’d vote for me.