This weekend, my brothers and I will pack up and head to Fredonia, Wisconsin. What’s drawing us there? Some sort of concert? The world’s largest meatball? Are we trying to be extras in a movie being shot there?
Nope - the answer is that this weekend is the Mecca AND Medina of the NFL’s off-season, the Draft, and we take it quite seriously. You might remember my brother’s Draft Diary from last year, in which he recorded thoughts on a tape recorder throughout the day.
Why Fredonia? My brother’s friend lives there, and in case you thought I was kidding when I said we take this seriously, he’s been remodeling his basement for the past several months with this weekend - April 26th and 27th - as his deadline. For us, Fredonia is going to be NFL Draft Capital of the World.
So without further ado, here are 10 reasons you should love the NFL Draft.
1. A thousand things to make fun of. The draft is full of a gajillion little variables, and it’s never the same every year. One year, Eli Manning is forcing a smile as he holds up a Chargers uniform (he told them before the draft he wouldn’t play for them; he ended up getting traded to the Giants), and another, the Minnesota Vikings forget to make a draft choice before 15 minutes are up (and they end up getting a star player out of it!).
But for all of its variables, you still know exactly what you’re going to get. Roger Goodell will have to announce draft choices over a crowd of obnoxious, drunken fans who are willing to boo their team’s selection during the most important moment in his football career. At least one top-ten choice will have a parent who doesn’t share his last name. At least one of these parents will have bright orange hair. Every year, Mel Kiper, ESPN’s draft expert, has the exact same haircut and doesn’t look a year older - he might be cryogenically frozen the rest of the year, we’re not sure. New commercials will pop up, like last year’s “Click clack” weird-a-thon featuring white South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier. One team will make a weird reach and select someone way too high - like the Dolphins choosing Ted Ginn, Jr. at number 9 last year when Brady Quinn was still on the board. You just never know when it’s coming.
All of this stuff is easy to make fun of. Because the first round of the draft alone will last around four hours, it inevitably turns into a Mystery Science Theatre 3000 episode where eventually the real fun is in wondering aloud where the 6′7″, 340-pound offensive tackle gets his suits tailored, why Mike Ditka is looking so orange, and commenting on ESPN’s 100,000-person production team.
2. Unpredictability. Like water on Dr. Sadler’s hand in Jurassic Park, no NFL draft goes the same way. While the traditions - the commissioner announcing the picks, Mel Kiper knowing everything - are the same, “how it goes down” is another ordeal entirely. At least one team is going to make a bonehead draft choice that everyone knows is a bonehead draft choice.
Then there are the draft-day trades. One minute, your favorite team is about to make its pick, and then suddenly their logo on ESPN’s draft graphic is replaced by a orange Bengal tiger: your GM just traded the pick away! This happens all the time, and like lightning, it’s never easy to predict. There’s so much trade talk happening through the day that trades can strike at any moment.
This means that even draft choices that seem insignificant can have special relevance to you. For example, I’ll be watching what the Kansas City Chiefs are doing this weekend, even though I’m a Bears fan. Why? The Chiefs need an offensive lineman, and so do we. And they pick higher.
This unpredictability happens for years after the draft, too. In 2006, the Houston Texans made defensive end Mario Williams the top overall pick, and everyone thought they were dumb for not choosing Heisman winning running back Reggie Bush. Everyone thought the Texans were wrong, but they turned out to be right. Now, Mario Williams plays at a Pro Bowl level and Reggie Bush is struggling. Whodathunkit.
3. You can never research enough. Throughout the weekend, over 200 players will be selected into the NFL. For the casual college football fan, you’ve probably heard of maybe 10-20 of these. With some additional research, you probably know most of the players that will be selected in the first round. But it still isn’t enough.
It’s so deep, NFL teams employ people just to watch college prospects play and practice, year-round. On ESPN, some guys are analysts covering a certain sport, like hockey. ESPN’s Mel Kiper is an analyst - JUST FOR THE NFL DRAFT. He does NOTHING ELSE. If you enjoy soaking up information, there is plenty for you to digest.
4. The industrial-size soda can barrel. Last year, our host in Fredonia brought out a blue, industrial-sized barrel that looked like it was stolen from a park. Its single purpose? To recycle our many, many empty soda cans.
5. The possibilities. Last year, Packer fans had a realistic hope to trade for Randy Moss, superstar wide receiver deluxe. Almost every year, some top-10 regarded prospect drops inexplicably through the first round: last year it was quarterback Brady Quinn, who the Cleveland Browns were able to take along with their stellar selection of Wisconsin tackle Joe Thomas. In 2003, the Bears held the fourth overall pick: we ended up trading for two first-round selections from the Jets and drafted a defensive end (bust) and a quarterback (Rex Grossman; hey, we went to the Superbowl with him).
Then, there are the hypotheticals that add to the fun. “What if X player falls all the way to X team, who’s already loaded at X position? They’d be unstoppable!” Because of a trade with the 49ers from last year, the New England Patriots almost ended up with a top-5 pick this year; despite being 16-0! What if a player I never thought the Bears could get, like LSU’s Glenn Dorsey, drops out of the top ten*? What if?
6. The implications. Drafting one player (Peyton Manning, Colts, ‘98) can directly lead your team to the Superbowl. Drafting another (JaMarcus Russell, Raiders, ‘07)** can contribute to keeping your team in the gutter for the next 5 years. The only time the implications for your favorite team are any higher is when they actually play the games.
The margin of error can be razor thin. After Peyton Manning, future Hall-of-Famer, went to the Colts at number 1 in 1998, the player chosen after him was a famous bust, quarterback Ryan Leaf to the San Diego Chargers. Two quarterbacks with the top two picks, and they couldn’t have had more different careers. Ryan Leaf stunk, and his fall kept the Chargers from competing for several years until they could build around another top draft pick - LaDanian Tomlinson***. Meanwhile, the Colts won a Superbowl and make the playoffs every year.
7. Post-first-round possibilities. A couple of years back, I thought the Bears made a solid choice in the second round by taking cornerback Devin Hester from Miami. Nothing special, just a good pick - I thought he’d be a good kick returner. Two seasons later, he is already the best kick returner in NFL history, and nothing short of a sensation. Another one of the Bears stars, linebacker Lance Briggs, was just a third rounder from Arizona. Sometimes, your team even steals guys later on that you wanted all along - such as when the Bears drafted Alex Brown early in the fourth round not long ago.
You can make an argument that because Tom Brady was a sixth round choice and ended up being a Hall-of-Fame quarterback, that the players chosen in the first round are irrelevant. This is generally untrue, though, as the late round phenomenons are usually the exception to the rule.
8. Overanalysis. Though this seems to fly in the face of reason #3, overanalysis does have its fun side effects. When teams think too hard, they might end up drafting Ted Ginn, Jr. in the top ten picks or trading too high up to get a player no one thought they needed.
The overanalysis spreads to the analysis on ESPN and makes for more entertainment. Last year, Michael Smith had a crackpot theory that Brady Quinn, QB from Notre Dame, wasn’t being chosen because his name was “Brady.” He forgot that the first overall player taken was named “JaMarcus.”
Meanwhile, ESPN producers are wondering what to cut to next - their roundtable discussion that includes Corey Chavous, Jon Jansen and John Lynch, or their roundtable discussion that includes Corey Chavous, Darren Sharper and T.J. Houshmandzadeh?
9. Post-first round stupor. Though the time between picks has now been shrunk to ten minutes from fifteen minutes, it will probably still be a marathon of sandwiches, chips, sodas, and late-first round selections you don’t care about. After four hours of craziness, our NFL draft room probably looks like a hungover 10 a.m. frat house - only there was no alcohol involved. It’s amazing that someone like Mel Kiper can stick around for the entire draft, let around the whole first round.
To understand the stupor, it helps to understand the passion that goes into this stuff, and energy it takes to endure a whole round of NFL drafting. We have both Packer and Bears fans in the room, usually, and there’s nothing as apprehensive in the off-season as seeing the NFL commissioner walk up to the podium with your team’s selection.
Then, if your team gets someone you didn’t want, you’ll expend nuclear-type energy in venting your frustrations. In 2003, when the Bears chose Rex Grossman, the room exploded with laughter from the Packer fans, and a loud “NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” from my older brother.
Let me explain the craziness. Since fans put so much energy into rooting for their teams, some individual moments where all of the tension comes to a head prove too much for our minds to process, and we unleash our inner monkeys. When Devin Hester returned a the opening kickoff for a touchdown in the Superbowl last year, or when former Bears defensive tackle Keith Traylor intercepted a pass and ran hilariously down the sidelines with it, I could feel my brain’s inability to fully process what I was seeing, and what came out was hysterical shouting and dancing, and probably jibberish that sounded like “Woopah woopah! Jey monnamonna!” Similarly, if something bad happens, we’ll turn into angry monkeys. “RIBITY RUFFLESNUFF!”
For perspective on how common this is, my brother didn’t really remember reacting like that in ‘03 and ended up being okay with the Grossman pick.
Another example, from last year, was when the Packers selected Justin Harrell, a no-name defensive tackle in the mid-first round. The house turned into monkeys - Packer fans angry, Bears fans laughing, followed by hours of frustration from the Packers fans. My brother caught the moment on his tape recorder, and it sounded something like this:
“E$^!@C R*#(P NFIEOPUNF*(#RUF*()JISDFOPFJIONJIOP!!!!!!”
Needless to say, by the end of the first round, we’re beat.
10. The backlash after day one. Usually, the fun of even the NFL draft succumbs to our need to focus on more than one thing at a time for too long, and eventually some time into the second round we either head out to play basketball, or stay in and watch movies, play Grand Theft Auto or more recently, Nintendo Wii.
And because the draft is two days, it’s always a sleepover, wherever it is. It’s too much awesome for one day.
*I don’t really think Glenn Dorsey dropping out of the top ten will happen, since a lot of people think he’s the best player overall and he easily could go second to the Rams. But what if he slips farther than expected - which for him is something like 6-10 - and the Bears are one trade away from having a Tommie Harris/Glenn Dorsey duo at defensive tackle****? See how these hypotheticals work? I’m giddy just thinking about it.
**This hasn’t happened yet for the Raiders, but I’m a big JaMarcus Russell doubter and I think having all that money tied up into a bust quarterback will hinder them for a few years.
***The Chargers acquired LaDanian Tomlinson with the 5th pick in 2001, after trading down from #1 and letting the Falcons select Michael Vick. Think that trade had a ton of implications? The Chargers got a Hall-of-Fame running back, and the Falcons got a freak athlete quarterback who would eventually go to jail for cruelty to animals.
****I still want the Bears to draft an offensive tackle in the first round.
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